Jail For Skanks

Well folks, Paris Hilton is headed for jail, and it's not the fashion police that has arrested her, it was the real police! And no, sadly, it wasn't for being a pornographic internet skank, which should be against the law, but for some reason, it isn't! No, Miss Hilton violated the law by driving on a suspended license, twice no doubt, because she was not smart enough to do her own reading!
Miss Hilton's lawyer pointed out to the judge that Miss Hilton is very rich and should be able to do what she wants! She demonstrated this by arriving for her case 20 minutes late and still putting on make-up! It's not like she has a job or any other valid excuse as to why she was late! Finally, she broke down and shed some crocodile tears for the cameras as the judge handed down his fair sentence of 45 days in jail!
These skanks think that all they have to do is flash their privates, and the whole world needs to stop and stare! And while I do believe the rich deserve different treatment than the rest of you rabble, it's because with out us, you would have no jobs to go to, like the fellows who worked for my step-father who became unemployed when he went to jail because of some outrageous charges made by my skanky next door neighbor.
I personally believe all skanks should go to jail just on general principle alone! Strip them all down and they can flash their girl parts at every pervert who wants to see them, these whores are not ashamed! Maybe Miss Hilton will find Jesus in jail, and turn over a new leaf and put on some underpants, but since she obviously is craving the attention her folks never gave her, maybe they should sentence her to spending evenings at home with her parents, watching boring television shows like Law & Order, like my mother likes to watch!
The hard part for poor Paris is the 45 days start on June %, which means she'll spend the entire summer skank season behind bars! But at least our beaches (and boyfriends) wil be safe!

The Cell Phone Buzz!

I love my cell phone. I can text, email, take pictures and videos and download music from the web! I can stay in touch with my friends, or still go shopping while I'm waiting for that call from an agent or producer! Really, I can't see how people ever managed to survive with out them, before they were invented, or now! They really are useful!
Now, it turns out, they do even more! Cell phones are killing bees! And to that I say "Yippee!" because I've been stung any number of times by those nasty things, and it really hurts! What do we need bees for, anyway? And if I'm killing bees by using my cell phone, I'm going to call my friend KayLEE, just to chat about that cute boy I saw at the grocery store! I might talk enough to kill a whole hive!
Is the world worse off without bees? I don't think so! How many times have you been laying out, catching some rays, only to find out your bronzing lotion attracts wasps! (And I don't mean white Anglo-Saxon Protestants, either!)I know God created everything for a purpose, but bees rank down there with Mexico and Seacrest! Maybe it's just time the bees went the way of the dinosaurs!
Now if they only came up with a cell phone that killed terrorist loving liberals!

Is This What The Democrats Have to Offer?

Carrie's Back and Kicking Barack!

Well, fans, I am back! After falling in to deep depression following my rejection by those America haters at the ironically titled American Idol, I have realized that Jesus, like myself, went through many tribulations to prove himself, and never questioned God's intentions, so why should I?!?!
A lot has happened in the time that has passed since I last posted here at the most incredible blog in the blogosphere. The Democrat party has stolen the congress away from America and straight into the hands of the America haters, who are now running for president against our Holiest of wars! First we have that obviously homosexual former first lady, Hilary Cliton running on her shaky record as the Democrat Senator from Jew York. Then we have Barack Osama, we need another one of them colored people in the nation's capitol like we need another Kennedy (excuse my Irish). Don't even gets me started on that John Edwards character, any real American would have dumped his wife when she got cancer, just ask St. Newt, or America's mayor Rudy Jewliani.
It doesn't matter who the Democrat party gets to run, the American people will rise up and defeat them, and they could do it with a weak candidate like John McCain!

If That Slut Can Do It, So Can I!

Oh sister! It turns out you don't need talent or the backing of God to be a pop singer! It turns out all you need is a lot of your parents money and no shame!Paris Hilton is releasing her new CD, and it's so bad it makes her, like, cry! I'm sure that anybody who hears it would cry, if they weren't, you know, on ecstacy! That would explain why her single,Stars Are Blind has climbed to the top of the dance charts! Modern technology is so, like, wonderful! Now, even untalented publicity whores can be stars!
I was talking to my friend Brandyn, who's a gay, and he said that anyone can record a record! I didn't know that! All it takes is some money, and you can record your own CD! Well, my step-daddy has a lot of money! So I'm going to talk to him, and maybe he'll give me enough money (probably costs like millions of dollars. That's how much Michael Jackson spends!)to record my own! Won't that Simon Cowell be shocked when I'm on top of the charts without any help from him! Soon the world will recognize my God-given talent!
But you won't see me running around half-naked! I won't be releasing any sex videos on the internets, either! I'm going to make it on sheer talent alone! Look out, here comes Carrie!

Wait For My Lifetime Movie!

I'm still recovering from my humiliating loss at the American Idol auditions last week! That Simon is really a nasty person, and I could say a whole lot more , but I'm a Christian and a lady, so we won't go there! I'm just hoping I can make it up to Seattle for the next round of auditions!
Lifetime is showing The Fantasia Barrino Story this month, and while I can say that it will be interesting, it in no way will be good as mine will, when I finally make the show! She thinks she had it tough, let me tell you sister, ain't no one had it as bad as me!
First, my daddy died in the first Gulf War! They said it was friendly fire, but when somebody's shooting you, there isn't anything friendly about that at all! But that didn't deter me at all, it made me decide to be a better Christian, so I could go see my daddy in Heaven! Then, my mommy and me had to scrape by and live in an apartment, until she had the good fortune to marry my step daay, a wealthy businessman! But the hardships didn't end there! Did you know that in high school, I had to drive a used car?!? Then there was the month my step daddy took my credit cards away from me, that was really a struggle! Can you imagine, not being able to shop for a month!
But not once did I let that deter me as I drove on to become a success, the success that God has specifically created me for!
Then there was the years of my childhood I had to endure a liberal Democrat in the White House! The shame the fornicator brought to God's great country will never be erased! Thank God He made George W, Bush president! He has returned the country to the greatness and promise that God gave us when He made America!
I look at some of the 'hardship' Miss Barrino had to endure, and I think while she ay have had some difficulty, sure, they were all brought on by her family's rejection of good Christian values! She was the one that decided to birth a baby out of the sanctity of wedlock! She made the decision to drop out of high school! It was hard for me going to high school in that used car, but let me tell you, even though I was embarrassed to be seen in a second hand sedan, I still endured everyday, because I had friends who still rode the bus! And even though every boy in school was trying to fornicate with me, I never once did anything that would have stopped me going to Heaven to see my daddy, like having sex! Ever! I am proud to say, to this day, I am still a virgin, because I know from what my mommy said that having a child on your own can drag you down!
So as you can see, my whole life has been a struggle! Even being rejected by those mean people at American Idol five times has never got me down! So when I finally do ascend to my rightful place in the Celebrity Stratosphere as pre-ordained by God, the movie of my life will be very uplifting!

How To Fight AIDS!

Frankly, in my opinion, there are a lot of better things Bill Gates could spend $500 million on than AIDS research! Like a new haircut, for instance! C'mon, Bill your hairstyle is so out of date you remind me of the wife beater wearing white trash back in my home town who still sport mullets! And get some new glasses too! You're a billionaire, not some commie John Lennon wannabe! In fact, there should be one of those makeover show devoted entirely to him!
What Mr. Gates is proposing is just another example of science trying to replace religion! Every intelligently designed person, from Pat Robertson to the Reverend Jerry Fallwell knows that AIDS was sent down by God to punish the gays! If a gay didn't want to catch AIDS they should just stop being a gay! Then everybody who had AIDS would die, and while we wouldn't have as many talented people in the entertainment industry, at least we know that God wouldn't allow the terrorists to attack us again because of our acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle!
In fact, I think Mr. Gates should give me the $500 million, because right there I described how to get rid of AIDS! And I didn't have to use any Jesus denying science to do it either! Plus, if you gave me the money, I would go with to a hairstylist (because, frankly, all the good ones will have died off)to help her help you get a good hairstyle! Then I would take you shopping to help you pick out some stylish clothes, before all the designer stuff that was designed by a gay was gone!