If That Slut Can Do It, So Can I!

Oh sister! It turns out you don't need talent or the backing of God to be a pop singer! It turns out all you need is a lot of your parents money and no shame!Paris Hilton is releasing her new CD, and it's so bad it makes her, like, cry! I'm sure that anybody who hears it would cry, if they weren't, you know, on ecstacy! That would explain why her single,Stars Are Blind has climbed to the top of the dance charts! Modern technology is so, like, wonderful! Now, even untalented publicity whores can be stars!
I was talking to my friend Brandyn, who's a gay, and he said that anyone can record a record! I didn't know that! All it takes is some money, and you can record your own CD! Well, my step-daddy has a lot of money! So I'm going to talk to him, and maybe he'll give me enough money (probably costs like millions of dollars. That's how much Michael Jackson spends!)to record my own! Won't that Simon Cowell be shocked when I'm on top of the charts without any help from him! Soon the world will recognize my God-given talent!
But you won't see me running around half-naked! I won't be releasing any sex videos on the internets, either! I'm going to make it on sheer talent alone! Look out, here comes Carrie!

Wait For My Lifetime Movie!

I'm still recovering from my humiliating loss at the American Idol auditions last week! That Simon is really a nasty person, and I could say a whole lot more , but I'm a Christian and a lady, so we won't go there! I'm just hoping I can make it up to Seattle for the next round of auditions!
Lifetime is showing The Fantasia Barrino Story this month, and while I can say that it will be interesting, it in no way will be good as mine will, when I finally make the show! She thinks she had it tough, let me tell you sister, ain't no one had it as bad as me!
First, my daddy died in the first Gulf War! They said it was friendly fire, but when somebody's shooting you, there isn't anything friendly about that at all! But that didn't deter me at all, it made me decide to be a better Christian, so I could go see my daddy in Heaven! Then, my mommy and me had to scrape by and live in an apartment, until she had the good fortune to marry my step daay, a wealthy businessman! But the hardships didn't end there! Did you know that in high school, I had to drive a used car?!? Then there was the month my step daddy took my credit cards away from me, that was really a struggle! Can you imagine, not being able to shop for a month!
But not once did I let that deter me as I drove on to become a success, the success that God has specifically created me for!
Then there was the years of my childhood I had to endure a liberal Democrat in the White House! The shame the fornicator brought to God's great country will never be erased! Thank God He made George W, Bush president! He has returned the country to the greatness and promise that God gave us when He made America!
I look at some of the 'hardship' Miss Barrino had to endure, and I think while she ay have had some difficulty, sure, they were all brought on by her family's rejection of good Christian values! She was the one that decided to birth a baby out of the sanctity of wedlock! She made the decision to drop out of high school! It was hard for me going to high school in that used car, but let me tell you, even though I was embarrassed to be seen in a second hand sedan, I still endured everyday, because I had friends who still rode the bus! And even though every boy in school was trying to fornicate with me, I never once did anything that would have stopped me going to Heaven to see my daddy, like having sex! Ever! I am proud to say, to this day, I am still a virgin, because I know from what my mommy said that having a child on your own can drag you down!
So as you can see, my whole life has been a struggle! Even being rejected by those mean people at American Idol five times has never got me down! So when I finally do ascend to my rightful place in the Celebrity Stratosphere as pre-ordained by God, the movie of my life will be very uplifting!

How To Fight AIDS!

Frankly, in my opinion, there are a lot of better things Bill Gates could spend $500 million on than AIDS research! Like a new haircut, for instance! C'mon, Bill your hairstyle is so out of date you remind me of the wife beater wearing white trash back in my home town who still sport mullets! And get some new glasses too! You're a billionaire, not some commie John Lennon wannabe! In fact, there should be one of those makeover show devoted entirely to him!
What Mr. Gates is proposing is just another example of science trying to replace religion! Every intelligently designed person, from Pat Robertson to the Reverend Jerry Fallwell knows that AIDS was sent down by God to punish the gays! If a gay didn't want to catch AIDS they should just stop being a gay! Then everybody who had AIDS would die, and while we wouldn't have as many talented people in the entertainment industry, at least we know that God wouldn't allow the terrorists to attack us again because of our acceptance of the homosexual lifestyle!
In fact, I think Mr. Gates should give me the $500 million, because right there I described how to get rid of AIDS! And I didn't have to use any Jesus denying science to do it either! Plus, if you gave me the money, I would go with to a hairstylist (because, frankly, all the good ones will have died off)to help her help you get a good hairstyle! Then I would take you shopping to help you pick out some stylish clothes, before all the designer stuff that was designed by a gay was gone!

Who Else, Lamont? Mel Gibson?

Ned Lamont is leading in the polls for the Senate seat occupied by rapturiffic Joseph Lieberman, in some Yankee state full of rapture denying liberals! Joe must be a good guy for Our Supreme Leader to give him a kiss like that! And Joe supports our efforts to kill all them Iraqis and let Allah sort them out as well! Which means if you don't want Lieberman to win, you're with the terrorists!
So what does Lamont do with lead in the polls? Calls on Jesse "Hymietown" Jackson to help him win! There's no better way to say your anti-semitic than to get Jesse to campaign for you, short of inviting Mel Gibson and Cindy Sheehan to a photo op.
Jackson, who claims to be a reverend, said "What's at stake is the future of our country and it's priorities." Duh! Our priorities are to bring on the rapture and convert America in to the proud Christian nation it was two hundred years ago! Who better to implement that than a man who will put Israel's interests first, which of course, will lead to the creation of the Greater Zion called for by the Bible needed for Jesus's return?!? And when Jesus comes back, America needs to be ready by becoming God's Country again!
"This coming weekend it's door knocking time. It's telephone call time," Jackson said. As if a bunch of rich white people want a colored person going door to door in their cities! Hope you have a lot of bail money with you because I'm sure the sherriff will be arresting you! And before you start making phone calls, better practice your diction because all I ever hear Jesse talk is ghetto talk! You know, health care, fair trade, welfare, all the stuff colored folk feel they are entitled to just because they were slaves a long time ago! Get over it!
The truly oppressed people here are the people of Lieberman's faith! The Holocaust was where people were killed, just for being Jews! That never happened to colored people in America! Not in a long time!