What To Pack?

I'm happier than a gay watching a Dynasty marathon on the soap network! The rapture is coming and I'm going to live to see it! Everything is on hold until that glorious day when I'm lifted up to Heaven and get to spend forever with Jesus!
But I'm not sure what to pack. Like, footwear! What kind of shoes would be goood for walking on clouds? Maybe I should just pack sandals, as that's what Jesus wears! But do I pack my leather strapped ones, or my flip-flops? Do I need to pack evening wear? Does God make you dress up for dinner, like my parents did on Sunday?
Is casualware allowed? I have a pair of shorts that make my butt look cute, but would Jesus be offended? I just don't know!
Should I take all my secular music out of my iPod and just load it full of Christian rock? I'm sure Jesus wouldn't mind a little Jessica Simpson now and then, would he? How about jewelry? Heaven just wouldn't be Heaven if I couldn't accessorize! I hope Heaven has scads of fun stores for me to shop at, which credit card do I bring? Does Heaven accept American Express, or is it VISA only?
So many questions! I had my friend Brandon, the gay, help me go through my stuff, but he just seemed so sad! I will miss him when I get to Heaven, but homosexuals are not allowed! I told him I'd wave to him as often as I could, and that didn't cheer him up at all! Then he started to cry when I suggested that if he wanted to go to Heaven, he shouldn't have chosen to be a gay! It's not his fault, he went to a public school!
How many bags will they let us bring? What pajamas do I pack, my flannel ones or that nightie my step-daddy bought me? What about Bingo Bear and Molly Dolly? I'd hate to leave them behind where some filthy heathen could get their dirty paws all over them!
I know! Tonight, I'll go to the video store and rent Left Behind! I would read the book, but I'm only a girl, and girls don't read books!
See you in Heaven!

No Peace Without Jesus!

A buch of dirty hippies over at Glenda In The Land of Oz are "posting for peace", smoking their "grass" and incoherently babbling on about "peace". Get over yourselves, you dirty hippies! The sixties are over! Turn off those Doors CDs and start listening to something good from this milennium such as Jessica Simpson, or Taylor Hicks. It's the Fourth of July, and I don't think I need to remind you that your freedom of speech was paid for with the blood of US soldiers, so shut up!
I hate to inform these patchouli perfumed potheads peace can only pass by Jesus' will! And God told Our Supreme Leader to strike at Iraq! We need to establish the Great State of Zion before the Earth is ready for Jesus' return. That means wiping out all the dirty Muslim horde, or converting them to Christianity. When peace is finally obtained, then begins the rapture, whereby all good Christians will be lifted up to Heaven to watch the ensuing battle for earth between the Jews and the Muslims from a cloud! All you tree worshipping heathens will be left behind! Put that in your bong and smoke it!
And by Christian, I of course don't mean the dirty Papist child rapist Catholics! The peace-loving Quakers are wrong too! The Lutherans, Methodists and Baptists, while having their hearts in the right place, are doomed as well! Until you know Jesus in the right way, you can never know peace!